| | currently,
i see myself as a kind of cartoon character that's on its way to
becoming a real person that has to find that special amulet or mushroom
to get to that next realm or level. i don't feel like anything is that
tangible. it's fascinating to me how we can feel so conflicted or
ecstatic and how that can change so quickly that it doesn't even
register. i feel completely insane right now, but i'm confident (i
think) with where i am.
**
i think this sort of, i don't know, "quarter-life crisis"(??) was perhaps summoned because lately, i've been completely consumed by research into haiti. it's like, when i'm reading and learning all of these fascinating things about this country, it's just surreal to me the reality of life there........... this doesn't make sense.. but, okay..
another approach to explanation:
it's hard for me to imagine how it must be there.
of course it is, i've never been there.
no wait. it is very easy for me to imagine how things are there, i have had a very vivid imagination since childhood (as a consequence, i rarely see the logic in things), and i have cousins from ethiopia and so have heard a great deal about their tales. what is hard for me to imagine is why things are the way they are there. it's hard for me to understand and accept the fact that i am an american, and that we all have these privileged lives here when the majority of the world's population (including that of haiti) live in poverty. the average american spends $117.00/day, when most of africa's citizens make less than that a year. what's hard for me to imagine is how the balance managed to disappear.
is it wrong and completely insane of me to want to go to haiti?
yes.
why?
it is dangerous.
yeah, okay, it's dangerous. but for some reason, that just seems like an illusion to me, hence the reason why i've been feeling like everything is so abstract lately. i feel like nothing holds the properties of reality. i want to go to haiti, to study abroad there, and to learn what it is like to live life in a constant state of emergency. i don't know, it is just so alluring to me. i feel like we're all here on these bloody pedestals, and i'm curious to see how we would behave and react when under circumstances which require the most essential essences of our beings to come forth and help us fight to survive. these essences have gone into deep hibernation while we have been living our lives here because, well, we don't need them here. it would be so fascinating to just live with these people, to understand them, to see why we think of them as completely different from us when really we are the exact same.
does this make sense?
okay. yes, no, maybe, perhaps not. my stream-of-consciousness, scattered way of thinking is not always coherent. (!!)
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| | Posted 5/13/2007 12:56 PM - 9 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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